written & illustrated by grandad


"What a lovely cup of coffee." Roxanne said out loud to herself. She looked at the other cows, eating grass in the cool morning and said "give me coffee any day." As you will discover Roxanne was no ordinary cow and is very different to any cow you have ever known before.



After finishing her coffee, Roxanne headed off to the milking parlour. Now Roxanne as you will discover is not very good at queuing, so she learnt a year ago to milk herself. So, after just 15 minutes, she was heading out of the door, while the other cows were still waiting. The morning was hers and she headed off to the shops.



Roxanne's passion, hobby and favourite past time was shopping, she loved a sale and a real good bargain. Trouble is, one or two cows regularly followed her to town, wandering into any shop. Roxanne loved having her photo taken, the public loved her, but the other cows kept getting into the photos.



As the farmer had given Roxanne a house to live in, she had to work on the farm. Today, as she was going around the farm, she noticed the cows had once again broken a gate. She stood there for a moment and then said "these cows, really!!!!" She then giggled and said "oops I am a cow too, I keep forgetting."



Every Friday afternoon, between 2 and 3, Roxanne taught the young calves to moo. As humans we think a moo is a moo, but we would be wrong. There is a whole range of moo's which have very different meanings. So, every Friday afternoon Roxanne held moo school and once a month they had graduation day, a very proud day in any calf's life.



Roxanne's favourite job on the farm was making cheese, she loved cheese so much and just had to taste every new batch of cheese. Every few days she had to turn the cheese and taste it and very often she had to taste it twice. She always giggled when making cheese, remembering the other cows in the fields eating just grass.



Roxanne didn't like eating chicken, because she can't bear the thought of eating the cute feathery things, so she eat beef burgers, because she didn't know of an animal called beef. No one has the heart to tell her any different. She loved having her friends round and cooking her favourite food, beef burgers.



Every morning and late afternoon, Roxanne directed the cows to where they needed to be, even though there were signs, they still got lost and were always hiding. It was hard work getting the cows to milking when the sun was out and it was almost impossible to get them there when it was cold.



Roxanne enjoyed going to beauty parlour once a week, but being Roxanne it was no normal beauty parlour. It was actually the local car wash, she loved the massage machine and loved the shower. It was cheap too and she could spend hours there. It was a bit annoying though, that the owner allowed cars into the beauty parlour, but she loved the price.



Roxanne loved tinkering with tractors, the farmer however was not too keen and kept hiding his tools, but Roxanne knew where he hid them and carried on tinkering. The problem was every time Roxanne tried to fix something, she ended up with a pile of bits she had no idea what to do with. The local mechanic, however, encouraged Roxanne to carry on tinkering, i wonder why?




Because the farm was so big, Roxanne used her bikes daily to get from one part to another. The new cows always thought she was the devil on wheels, because her horns stuck out of her helmet. Roxanne loved speed, but had to drive slowly as the farmer had caught her doing wheelies around the farm. So once a month she was allowed to take one of her bikes out for a long ride, if she had done all her work.



During the warm months the farmer allowed Roxanne to swim in his pool. What she loved were the bubbles in the pool, no one had the heart to tell her they were her bubbles. After her swim, Roxanne loved to stretch out on the deckchair and dry off. She often thought this was so much better than looking for shade, much more civilised lol.



During the winter while the rest of the cows were in the barns, Roxanne was snuggled up in her house. Quite often in the evening one of the bulls would pop round, just to escape the barn. In the morning's and afternoon's during the winter, Roxanne had to help get the cows out of the barns into the milking parlour. She had to put on her heavy coat, big boots, scarf and gloves and was always glad to get back to her roaring fire.



One afternoon after coming back from putting the cows back in the barn. The cows had organised a surprise birthday party for her. Roxanne loved parties and hoped they would play her favourite party game, pin the nose on the human. Mind you when she got home all she could hear was "I am giving it to her, no I am, I am, no I am." When she got inside and saw the surprise, she said, "boys, you both can give me the gift, oh, have we burgers to eat?"



Very soon the party was in full swing, everyone was having a great time, Roxanne loved to dance, so was dancing with everyone. Well everyone except buttercup, who stayed very close to the milk, for a cow she loved milk so much and it was impossible to get her away from the milk churn. It was a lovely evening, everyone was giggling and having a lovely time, forgetting about winter.



Then it was party game time, Roxanne's favourite game ever, pin the nose on the human. She let everyone else go first, it was so funny to watch, at one point, one cow who shall not be named, almost pinned the nose on buttercup, who still refused to move from the milk churn. Then it was Roxanne's turn and she managed to place the nose in the right place, all the cows and bulls clapped and cheered and finally it was time to go back to the barn.



Roxanne had to train the new cows about the milking parlour, once they have had their babies. Their reaction at first was one of shock, because of all the noise and machinery. Roxanne's job was to show them how it all worked and help them through their first milking, telling them they got food while milking and to just relax. On these days was so happy that she had taught herself to milk herself. No more cold floors and waiting around for Roxanne.



Another thing Roxanne loves doing, is showing school children around the farm, explaining to them where milk comes from and how cheese and butter is made. The children came from the towns and she loved how amazed they were. The farmer's wife showed them how butter and cheese was made, as they thought it just turned up in the supermarket, Roxanne loved answering their questions and seeing them enjoy the farm.



Roxanne liked nothing more, than meeting her friends at the local coffee shop to have a good old chat. They would moan about the weather, the state of the hay and having to go to the milking parlour in winter. Once one of her friends said "hey you live in a house and milk yourself." Roxanne replied "yes I do, but I have to clean and hoover." They both giggled so much they both fell off their chairs.



Once a month a man came to clip the cow's feet and clean them. The farmer sorted this out, so, Roxanne being Roxanne, this gave her time to go to the nail parlour and have her nails filed and painted, while having a cup of coffee and a chat. Red is Roxanne's favourite colour ever, closely followed by pink. She liked nothing more, than having bright red lipstick and nails. Roxanne is a cow about town, which makes her giggle a lot.



One of Roxanne's passions, is singing, especially at Christmas time, she enjoyed going around the village and singing with the carol singers. Being a farm, she still had to work over the Christmas period, but she loved to decorate her house, buy presents and have her son come for Christmas dinner and stay over. It was the only time he stayed in her house and she loved every second of it. Yes, Roxanne saw him every day on the farm, but this was special.



Every cow has to have an ear tag, when Roxanne started work on the farm, she no longer needed an ear tag. She now wears earrings and all the cows are so jealous of her earrings. Roxanne was a great shopper and liked nothing more than finding a bargain and her best earrings only cost her one pound.



The job Roxanne did not like doing, was mucking out the cows, she had to do it every single day. Every day after mucking out, she went home and had a cup of coffee and a quick shower before continuing her work. But, today she didn't mind, as tomorrow she was going on holiday. Where is she going? Well that's another story.